Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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