went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
