So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
