im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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