So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
