I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
