The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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