Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize