I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
