At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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