her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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