I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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