I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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