Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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