You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
