just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
