first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize