Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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