i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
