I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
