You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize