hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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