this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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