If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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