I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
