i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
