We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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