Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
whose parrot is this?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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