I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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