I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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