Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
