My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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