just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
