I cockslap morals
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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