I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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