Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
