How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
