I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How's work?
Spinning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
