He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
