You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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