toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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