Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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