grandma shit on top of the toilet
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
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