I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He better not be in your backpack
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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