i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
