I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
