Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize