Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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