Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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