Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
