I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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