Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
someone owes me an orgasm
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
