Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
