It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
