why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
