how can u be prego again
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
