Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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